News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

Kirk Revolts Federation Mass Protest

A weekend of Federation-wide anti-Kirk demonstrations has brought millions of people out onto the streets in protest of Starfleet Captain James T. Kirk's bizarre and disturbing behaviour.

Most protests were on Saturday, but up to 750,000 people took part in a final event in San Francisco on Sunday, after police closed off the city the day before to protect the public from images of the insane Kirk streaking through the streets.

Between sixteen and twenty million people are thought to have marched on up to 60 worlds over the weekend - the largest demonstrations of their kind since the reviled novelist Captain Jonathan Archer released a string of novels after a time travelling romp to Belmarsh Prison, England, Earth and the year 2002.

Friends of Kirk put his recent mental state down to the shock he suffered when he found his best friend Spock floating face down in the sewage pool of the USS Enterprise. Persistent allegations that Kirk murdered his friend after the Vulcan objected to the Captain's proposed debut album - 'Enterprise in the Sky with Diamonds'. Others have speculated that Spock was planning a rival singing career but, illogical as that may be, no doubt it would not have included scenes of him poll dancing and spinning tassells from his rolls of fat, unlike Kirk's.

Whatever the cause, Kirk's recent parading of his uncorseted blubber on key Federation worlds and his ravishing of toothless old ladies has rocked the Federation government. His outspoken calls to be given constant air-time on all broadcast media and the repealing of the ban on the showing of psychologically damaging content have caused panic on all civilised worlds.

When cornered, Kirk's only reply to our questions was to 'sing' his latest pop cover outrage: "I wish I could - fly - but I - can't."

Federation security forces are warning to be vigilant against a string of Kirk doubles that are roaming the galaxy, possibly on Kirk's orders to help confuse the situation or simply to protect the real Kirk. Authorities are known to be developing a new technobabble device of the week to counter this threat of Kirk and his legion of mass distraction.