News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

Super Kirk to the rescue! Kirk gets motoring! Super Kirk saving Orion slave girl

Legendary starship mascot Captain James T. 'Super' Kirk is reported missing after he daringly saved an Orion slave-girl from drowning yesterday.

Last month the three year running 'Fatman of the Year' winner was sentenced to indefinite Community Service after his streak-athon shocked the United Federation of Planets and caused an unprecedented surge in suicide rates. At his trail he claimed temporary insanity after the loss of his friend Spock: "I - just couldn't - believe it. Spock - my - Spock - floating in that pool of - excrement. Never again - those sweet, sweet pointy - ears..."

Trial judge, Justice Brian Mutton, accepted the argument and sentenced the disgraced wig wearer to serve the community, refrain from singing (or dramatically interpreting) and never again to publicly show any flesh but his arms, legs and head. Leaches close to Kirk claim the final point, in particular, was a savage blow that would prevent him from ripping open his shirt in public - even if it were just to suckle his pet Horta.

In a statement from his lawyers after the sentencing, Kirk announced his intentions: "Our client deeply regrets the psychological damage done to Federation citizens, even if it did make the Romulans decide against invading, by his indecent behaviour. We are also relieved that Judge Mutton dismissed the unrelated charges of Tribble cruelty. Captain Kirk has decided that he will serve the people by rebranding himself as 'Super Kirk' - Protector of the Innocent. He is to don a skin-tight costume, that is in no way designed to flout his sentence, and become the two dimension superhero we all know him to be."

Reports suggest several test flights with Jet Boots failed, even the 23rd Century cannot offer the technology necessary to lift Kirk's mass with anything smaller than a juggernaut. Instead he is said to have decided he would test a revolutionary powered surf board and, as sources close to the convicted flasher put it: "Go Hasselhoff".

Yesterday saw the launching of Super Kirk in a special ceremony where a group of his most ardent critics were given the opportunity to each smash a bottle of Champagne over his head before his unconscious form was allowed to roll down the beach into the sea. Medical doctor, long term friend and wino, Dr. Leonard McCoy, was on hand to patch up his old captain. When asked why he'd used needles and thread to fix Kirk's wounds instead of a dermal regenerator he is quoted as saying: "My god, man... I'm a butcher, not a doctor!"

Details of what happened next are sketchy but it is clear that Kirk felt well enough to start work immediately. Holidaying Orion slave-girl, Vellow, allegedly spotted Kirk on his motorised surf board and became so distressed by the sight voluntarily attempted to drown herself. Super Kirk, always able to spot an exotic alien beauty with a sixth sense that science has yet to explain, shot to the rescue. Some have suggested she would have been his first conquest since sharing a prison cell with apparently immortal beings George and Zippy, aka the One Armed Bandits.

Upon bring Vellow safely back to shore Super Kirk is said to have been distraught by her rejection of his advances and immediately set sail again. Life guards report Super Kirk didn't meet his scheduled return time and music lovers worldwide are praying something bad has happened to him.

In a possibly unrelated event, rumour has it that several hours later what has been described as a 'beached whale' has washed up on the shore a few miles from Super Kirk's last known position. The News of the Universes will, of course, keep you updated on events as they unfold.