News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

The Alias-Team I love it when a plan comes together!

Crack spy outfit SD-6 cracked up yesterday after their chief, Arvin Sloane, forced them to watch every episode of classic 80's action tosh, The A-Team, back to back.

Rumours of the existence of mysterious outfit 'Section Disparu 6' have abounded in the past two years after reports of bizarre spy related happenings dogging every swank social gathering throughout the world. One German high society criminal, who wished to remain anonymous, told the News of the Universes: "Zair I voz, having a nice pardty in meine liddle castle above meine zecret unterground lair and vuf - zeez two speiz break into meine lair and zteel meine prizeless Pantz of Rambaldi! Vouldn't mind zo much but vun of zem voz meine Rastafarian comedian for zee night - meine guests ver nicht happy, yar?"

Mistress of de-Guyz
Another incident occurred in June when an eyewitness, at a cocktail party for street gang leaders of New York, claimed he was kick boxed half to death by a chisel featured woman who he'd swear had changed her hair colour and clothes at least three times in the ten minutes she'd been at the hood's do. The victim went on to say: "I forgive her, though, like, - you see my sweet dear old mutha was outside trying to cross the road after, like, walking me to the party. This mysterious beautiful woman who, like, kicked seven shades out of me - she helped my mutha across the road as she was, like, escaping with my brutha's wotsit of Rambini, or wotnot. She didn't have to, like, do that, all credit to her, know what I'm saying, man?"

Sloane Ranger
Rat faced evilition Sloane is known to have once worked for the world reviled Central Intelligence Agency, a group of people who tend to hang around seedy foreign bars hoping to get lucky or just overhear information about other people they don't like. Another former CIA man, Jack Bristow, is now also known to have defected from the American run organisation, with Sloane's SD-6 currently picking up his tab.

The emerging pattern of spy-tech espionage suggests Sloane is an avid collector of Milo Rambaldi artefacts, though his reasons are currently unclear. Rambaldi is believed, by some deranged fools including the US government, to have been a visionary and prophet from Renaissance Europe. Research into his sketches of machines hundreds of years before their time, such as the Sinclair C5 and Betamax video recorders, have astounded academics since his work was discovered only a couple of decades ago.

Miss Lead
Spy stunner Sydney Bristow, also a member of SD-6, is allegedly the daughter of Jack Bristow and a Russian spy who fooled Jack that she wasn't a foreign agent by saying outright she was Russian and therefore her marriage to Jack couldn't be a sham as owning up to being Russian wouldn't be very good cover.

Marcus Dixon, the final member of SD-6 to live through the horror of over 60 hours of solid back to back A-Team episodes, is particularly famed in the spook community for his uncanny ability to take on the guise of African leaders and rap stars.

Reports suggest that Sloane had a fifth member on his TV watching team, gadget and technical wizard Marshall Flinkman. Those reports go further and suggest that Flinkman died half way through the 3rd season of the A-Team, apparently due to a popcorn overdoes.

Crazy Fools
According to a Police source it was after the final 'Hunt Stockwell' season of the A-Team that Sloane and his group became crazed and took on the persona's of the A-Team characters.

After being arrested and locked in a particularly well stocked barn, the SD-6 team promptly escaped from that minimum security shack by converting an old combine harvester into a spectacular combine harvester with a couple of metal 'armour' panels and a rotten vegetable firing cannon. The heavily armed but wayward firing police were no match for the rotting onslaught and were quickly captured themselves.

Sloane, channelling the spirit of Templeton 'Faceman' Peck, is said to have attempted to seduce each of the tied up female officers, though without success, despite his gruesome tales of how he had someone chop his finger off. Sydney Bristow is said to have made the men uncomfortable with the way her John 'Hannibal' Smith persona sucked on a large cigar whilst proclaiming: "I love it when a plan comes together!"

On the scene News of the Universes informants tell of how Jack Bristow, as 'Howling Mad' Murdock, began acting as a comical 'spy' by running around on his tip toes whilst being chased by Marcus Dixon's BA Baracus telling him to "Cut your jibber jabber, you crazy fool" and, inexplicably, "I ain't getting on no plane!"

Before police reinforcements could arrive Sydney Bristow, now believed in command of the team, allegedly stole an unmarked police van and the group of fugitives made their escape. The reason for their A-Team viewing marathon is still unknown but it is believed to involve hidden messages from Rambaldi, series creator Stephen J. Cannell is currently assisting police with their inquiries on the matter. Also unknown at this time is the SD-6 team's current whereabouts. Sightings, however, have placed them in the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire SD-6.