News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

Buffy Slays Dubya He's behind you!

The American Government yesterday announced the shock slaying of George 'Dubya' Bush. Donald 'The Duck' Rumsfeld has vowed to bring to justice the culprit but would not speculate on the outcome of the investigation. The News of the Universes, always ahead of the news, can reveal that top Vampire Slayer, Buffy Anne 'call that a magic shop?' Summers, is responsible.

Under Cover
Fleeing the United States after the incident we caught up with Buffy and friends hiding out with ex-librarian Rupert 'The Bear' Giles in Westbury, England.

Buffy explained: "Oops, my bad - I thought he was a soulless creature!" to which co-conspirator witch Willow 'naughty but nice' Rosenberg interjected: "She would normally sleep with fiends from hell but his one was just too simian looking."

Buffy continued: "Hey, besides, he must have been in league with the forces of evil - how else do you win an election by getting less votes than your opponent? Definite evilage there!"

Buffy is renowned for fighting evil in high heals and other impractical clothing, widely believed to be enchanted as it never gets muddy even in the boggiest of graveyards. It has also been suggested that she is in a competition with other famous fight-mistress, Xena, for how many times they can die and be resurrected. Currently Buffy has only died twice, a record that even Thora Hurd has beaten.

Ultimate Evil
When quizzed what their next move might be, Willow, known for her loose preferences, tassel fetish and fatal hissy fits, threatened to skin this reporter alive if The News of the Universes published enough to help the dark forces. Never ones to bow to pressure The News of the Universes will tell our readers the whole truth.

Giles on their latest quest: "Well, you see, there is a new type of demon trying to infiltrate British society, perhaps beyond. They are masters of disguise. The only thing that gives them away is their bright orange skin."

Too Orangey for Crows
Catching up with their next target, David 'The Hunter' Dickinson, when asked his reaction to the challenge he stated: "It's going to be marvellous - a real Bobby Dazzler of a fight!"

Dickinson, best known as a dodgy wheeler dealer antique trader, once described as 'Lovejoy on acid', is well known for wanting to take over the airwaves with his brutal assault on BBC daytime TV. Rumour has it that he and Carol 'fingers' Smillie, well known for performing before cameras, have made a pact to take over every TV channel with DIY and antique programming. When quizzed on the subject Dickinson said: "That story could be a bit of a duffer!"

Further evidence has come to light which links these strange orange TV personalities with an entity known only as 'The Tango Man'. It is alleged that Dickinson, Winton, Charmers, et. al. are the minions of this creature. Speculation is rife as to whether this being will be Buffy's nemesis for the year. We will bring you more as events unfold.