News of the Universes Alf Roland

By Alf Roland
Chief Pan-Universal Correspondent

Plungers at Midnight Flaming Pier

Chaos erupted at the famous Palace Pier in Brighton, England, yesterday when a savage turf war broke out between the Daleks and Metal Mickey.

Dusty Bins
TV has-beens the Daleks are believed to be attempting to stage a comeback in this their fortieth year of being trapped on Earth. For more than two decades they have been eeking out a living as parodies of their former selves on such comedy programmes as Spike Milligan's Q, The Lenny Henry Show and The Five Doctors. In recent years times have been even worse for the fallen conquerors who have been forced to sell out to Kit-Kat and, most recently, act as novelty bubble gum dispensers at Brighton and Skegness seasides.

At a hastily arranged street corner fundraiser event, three months ago, the only indication of their future plans were found in the subtle subtext of their joint chant: "You will obey! Big Issue! Big Issue! BIG ISSUE!!"

Death by Face Cream
A top celebrity shrink told The News of the Universes how the Daleks have failed to get over the surprise death of their leader, Davros, in 1997. Even now details are sketchy but it is widely believed the dermatologically challenged scientist failed to read the instructions on a bottle of Oil of Olay and coated himself in fifty-eight tubs of the skin cream. The inquest found that his alien physiology reacted with the large quantity of cream, sending him into anaphylactic shock. He was found three weeks later by his next door neighbour, having slipped completely down into his mobile commode and drowning in this own filth.

Metal Monkey
Early 80's TV giant Metal Mickey has had a similarly hard time since his show was cancelled almost twenty years ago. Unable to get work, he was convicted in 1994 of impersonating a London postbox in a bid to steal any money or valuables he could find in the letters and packages. The harsh sentence put down by the court was that Mickey must act as the stunt double for Mr. Blobby, a fate that campaigners thought bad enough even without having to work alongside Noel Edmonds. Mickey was quoted as saying "Boogie, boogie, er, Blobby, Blobby, Blobby, my little fruitbat."

After a torrid affair with K-9, whom he once famously referred to as his "robo-bitch", Mickey was admitted to clinic in an attempt to kick his 20-a-day Atomic Thunderbuster habit.

Flaming Pier
Tensions between the Daleks and Metal Mickey have been increasing in the past few months as they both attempted to work the same seaside attraction circuits as amusing items for the tourists to be photographed alongside. Yesterday evening this broke out into open warfare at the end of Palace Pier in Brighton. One eyewitness explained that it began when a tourist with a wide-angle lensed camera asked for a picture of both a Dalek and Metal Mickey at the same time. Further reports suggest that it was the Daleks' agent who caused the problem by refusing to allow the Daleks to share the fee with Mickey.

At least one Dalek is confirmed to have died in the battle and Metal Mickey has not been seen since the ensuing blaze that severely damaged the historic landmark. Police divers are combing the area but say their search is hampered by the large quantity of old supermarket trolleys and Ford Escorts littering the Brighton coastline.