Welcome once again to the Dalek Races! This year we have a real treat for you in store. Both of last years finalists are joined by a host of new contenders for the crown of Top Dalek! Yes, we too are amazed that even more have made it through to this final. Some say this is a tribute to the fact the Random Extermination round has been retired. Yes, we are as disappointed as you on that - no more Special Weapons Daleks transmatting in, without notice, to blow everything away. Who'd have thought the Alpha Centauri government would have minded losing their spectating delegation like that? Still, it means we have more than ever for this, what is sure to be, spectacular final.
I can see the contenders lining up for the first event.
Yes, we can see there K-9 - the first time a non-Dalek has made the finals - along with Imperial Guard Derek, last years winner Wayne Dalek and last years runner up Dezmond T Dalek. Let's hope we don't have a repeat of the events at the award ceremony this time. In fact I think we can see, yes, at the end there is our special guest judge - The Doctor! He will be sure to prevent Wayne and Dezmond jumping out of their cases and tentacle whipping each other in rage again. That was an ugly moment indeed.
Yes, that's him, The Doctor. You can almost smell the seething hatred pour off those Daleks from over here. Even K-9 appears to be turning his nose up at his former master. Perhaps those rumours of the various K-9 units getting together, to bring abandonment charges against the Timelord, are true.
While we wait for The Doctor to use his magical sonic device to start the sprint, our cameraman is lingering on the crowd. Look there's Davros flanked by a couple from the Cult of Skaro, who, incidentally, now have out their latest 'Best Hits from the Cult of Skaro' album - ready for purchase from the boot of their Trans-Solar Disc out at the front of the stadium. And there in front, ahh, little kiddie Daleks, looking for a day of fun and excitement - hoping for some juicy exterminations. Aren't we all?! Oh, and on the end there is Davros' Mini-Me - we'd all be well warned to stay away from that one, his spitting of black food colouring in people's eyes is legendary...
And they're off!
Oh my giddy Dalek aunt! K-9 has immediately veered off in front of the other contestants. Could this be blatant cheating on the robot dog's part? Or is he going after the Doctor? If only I could cover my eyestalk - I don't think I want to see this!
No, K-9 has missed the Doctor and - oh no - he's crashed into the wall of the stadium! What a turn up for the books - someone must have spiked his juice! Wayne is making the most of things as both Dezmond and Derek are distracted by the crazy dog. This could be a rather one sided race...
It's all a blur as Wayne speeds to victory! Dezmond has realised he's been left for dead and attempts to get into the race but Derek looks more interested in showing off his big weapon to the crowd!
Wayne has won but what's this? K-9 has turned around and is having a pop at the spectators! Ref! No, the Doctor is just looking on and chuckling to himself. Dezmond is stunned by this turn of events and is just looking on! Come on Dezmond - you could still get second place... No, Derek has seen the opportunity... Now Wayne is coming back up the track! What is going on?!
I haven't seen such a mess since the last Dalek Mutant Mud Wrestling Championship! K-9 is kicking in the sideline spectators good and proper! Wayne has picked a fight with newcomer Derek, too! It's madness out there and the rest of the crowd is loving it!
Now K-9 has joined the scuffle between Wayne and Derek! The attendants are ready with canisters of Movellan Virus to end the madness that this round has descended into but that won't stop the maniacal mechanical pooch...
Ouch - that must really smart, Doctor! Now Wayne Dalek has ex-ter-min-ate-d the judge. Remarkable! You just can't buy good quality violence like this!
And now Wayne is lording it over the lightly steaming remains of the Timelord! Let's see you regenerate from that one, Doctor!
If that wasn't enough, Wayne has brought his family in and they've started a Conga Line! He thinks he's got this one sewn up again and who are we to argue with a gloating Dalek in his bling casing?
Now everyone has calmed down... Onto the next round... The Doorstep Challenge!
What's this? Davros has ranted like the madman he is and scared off both Derek and Dezmond, only to take their places in this new round. If only there were a judge on hand to stop him. No, I can just about see that The Doctor is indeed still dead - in fact some enterprising mutants are chopping him up and putting the bits in jars of bubbling blue liquid. Looks like it's dBay for him!
It appears Davros is stuck, though! He may have bullied his way into the final but it hasn't done him any favours. Come on, peddle harder Davros!
Next up we have Wayne. If you remember he failed this event last year and... he doesn't appear to be doing any better this time. Come on, get those pathetic little casters over that lip! You can just see he wants to hover over that but he'd be disqualified immediately. Imagine the rampage that would create. Come on Wayne, just a little hover to entertain us with your murderous ways... No, he's given up. Poor show from the reigning champion.
K-9 is our last contestant for this Doorstep Challenge, then. Can this newcomer beat a Dalek? He's rutting back and forth on that lip - is he stuck or just enjoying himself?
Oh my word! He's done it! K-9 has won the Doorstep Challenge! Jill Dando would be proud! He's now doing a victory lap over the carpet just to show he's the ruler of the robots!
Onto the last round of this Grand Finale. All to play for - any fatalities amongst the contestants could still knock Wayne and K-9 out of the running...
So, here we are with the ultimate challenge! The stairs! Down they must go, the first one to reach the bottom without falling will win this event. Hover is allowed and... who's that in the middle? Is that Davros with evil Vampire Willow sitting on his face?! Dirty old man! Put her down - and what are those kids doing up there? No sense of decorum some insane disfigured dictators... Anyway, it's good to see Derek and Dezmond there, back after Davros threatened to cover their eyestalks with chocolate Angel Delight if they didn't fetch some shaving cream for him. Strange fellow, I don't think he thawed out properly last time...
They're on their marks (mark 3s, in most cases), ready to go...
What in the heck?! Someone's cut the lights! Ref! Oh, yes, he's been sliced up... This could be a disaster waiting to happen...
Ouch, that has got to more than smart! Did they jump or were they pushed? It's just carnage down there - I don't think we've seen the like of this since the Emperor Dalek played marbles with those Mechanoids... Surely the first one to move will be declared the winner... Anyone? Dezmond? Wayne? Derek? Even Davros can't manage to pull himself across the finishing line with that pathetic flailing arm of his. What a sorry sight...
But what's this? Is it the Head of Pertwee rubbernecking? Nyeth. He's declared himself champion! Something smells a bit off about this...
Oh, well, there we have it, I suppose. We have a new champion - Wayne has been defeated! What's that our winner is saying? Something about using the prize money on dBay..?
It just goes to show, if you want to get a head in this game - go to the professional!