The Secret Log of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Episode 3

Translated and transcribed from the original coded French by Tim Munro © 1989

THE STORY SO FAR .... The United Federation of Planets is at war with the Purple Scrotheads of Anaconda V. Doctor Beverly Crusher has eloped with Romeo Shaggem, the head of Starfleet Medical. The U.S.S. Enterprise is thus without a Chief Medical Officer.....

STARDATE 42000.2

Lieutenant Worf's first day as acting C.M.O.

It was an absolute sodding disaster.

His first case was a civilian passenger who had almost drowned in the ship's swimming pool, and thus had to be given the kiss of life. Within three seconds of Mr. Worf applying his mouth to hers, the patient made a peculiar gurgling noise, went into a convulsion and died!!

I was about to smell Worf's breath when I thought better of it, and ordered Lieutenant Redshirt to do it instead. After one sniff, Lieutenant Redshirt made a peculiar gurgling noise, went into a convulsion and died!!

I asked Mr. Worf when he had last cleaned his teeth or used mouthwash. Worf replied that cleaning one's teeth was "not the Klingon way" and "only poofs used mouthwash."

Later, Counselor Troi summoned him to attend a case of clinical depression, which he decided to cure by slapping the patient's face and shouting at him to pull himself together. The only result of this was to make the patient break down in tears - whereupon Worf hit him again, causing multiple fractures and concussion.

Summoned Mr. Worf to my Ready Room, and demanded an explanation. He replied that he believed in Holistic Medicine, and added that he had, in fact, alleviated the patient's condition, since the man was far too preoccupied with his broken limbs to waste time being depressed. Worf added that in his opinion, and with the greatest respect, "all Humans are sissies... Sir.¬"

This is not going to work.


STARDATE 42001.3

Fifteen wounded in a close encounter with a Purple Scrothead Battlecruiser. Examining the badly gashed arm of Lt. T'Ping, Worf announced his intention to operate in the "Traditional Klingon manner" without anaesthetic or instruments.

It is my sad duty to record that Lt. T'Ping died at 0500 hours, a result of shock caused by unexpectedly having her arm ripped off at the shoulder.

I think I feel one of my headaches coming on.



Lt. Sanderson went into labour at 0300 hours. Arriving on the scene, Acting CMO Worf announced his intention of performing a Caesarian section.

It is my sad duty to record that Lt. Sanderson and her unborn triplets died at 0330 hours.

I have confiscated Lt. Worf's pen-knife.


STARDATE 42012.3

It is my sad duty to record that Lt. Cmdr. Sanderson, husband of the late Lt. Sanderson, whose death I noted yesterday, died today at 1400 hours. Cause of death was a broken neck and severe skull fractures sustained whilst leaping on Lt. Worf from behind and attempting to severe his jugular with a Flomarian Fruit knife. Witnesses report that Lt. Cmdr. Sanderson's last words cast serious doubt on Acting CMO Worf's parentage and medical competance and made certain actionable accusations regarding Worf's close personal relationships with Tribbles.

I can't take much more of this.


STARDATE 42023.1

Acting CMO Worf today conducted a sex education class for the ship's teenagers. What follows is a special report prepared by Acting Ensign Weasley Crusher.

"Ensign Crusher reporting, Sir. At 0900 hours I reported to lecture room 5 on deck 3, where Acting Chief Medical Officer Worf was scheduled to conduct a sex education class. At 0905, Lt. Worf commenced the session with a lecture on female sexuality, based on the premise that all women are "dying for it." Lt. Worf cited Counselor Troi as an example and continued with a 90 minute slide presentation designed to demonstrate that, quote, Betazoids will drop them for anyone." At 1100 hours, Lt. Worf wound up the lecture with a brief film involving two Vulcans, a Ferengi and a vat of Klaebian Industrial Lubricant. He that asked if there were any questions.

"Ensign Fleischmann asked about safe sex. Lt. Worf responded that the most reliable form of safe sex was "doing it when her husband is away on a deep space exploration mission."

"Ensign Legato then made a query regarding foreplay. Lt. Worf replied to this with a ten minute dissertation on the joys of flagellation, followed by a demonstration of the hurling of heavy objects and a recitation of the Klingon Love Poem ¬"nuqDaq Dochvam vllan baH¬". The class broke up, as did several desks, six chairs and the lecture room computer screen, at 1130 hours.

Report ends."

La Forge tells me it will take six days to repair the lecture room. I have severely reprimanded Lt. Worf for the criminal damage of ship's facilities, and for passing on false information regarding Counselor Troi, who does NOT bloody well drop them for anyone, and I should know!! Ensign Crusher nodded vigorousley in agreement with this. I'm not too sure what to make of that.

Riker tells me there was a queue of fifteen teenage boys outside Deanna's room tonight. That's odd. When I went past at midnight, there were only ten....


STARDATE 42033.2

Today's casualty figures:

Twelve injured in a minor skirmish with a Purple Scrothead Fighter.

Nineten injured and three dead, as a result of Lt. Worf conducting a keep fit class for the ship's Darby and Joan club.



STARDATE 42042.1

Called Admiral Hansen on sub-space, and pleaded with the senile old fart to send us a properly qualified Chief Medical Officer before Worf wipes out the entire crew. Hansen just shrugged he was terribly sorry but there was a shortage of doctors right now. Apparently they've all been transfered to Starfleet Medical, where they're working on "a top secret project" with Shaggem. And to quote the Admiral, "Shaggem insists we can't disturb them while they're on the job, Picard."

Huh! Yes, I bet he does. And I bet they are !!

Nothing else for it. I'll have to try the rest of the crew.


STARDATE 42042.2

Relieved Lt. Worf of his duties as Acting CMO and announced my intention to throw the post open to anyone who cared to apply. Chief Engineer Geordi LaForge duly offered his services.

Message from Admiral Hansen at 1500 hours. The war with the Purple Scrotheads is over. Apparently a special expedition was sent back through time to the very beginning of the Scrothead race, where a Starfleet officer acting under special instructions, trod on the first ever Purple Screthead, breaking it's neck and thus ensuring that the species never actually evolved in the first place. I pointed out to the Admiral that

A). This was a barbarous act of genocide.

B). It was disgraceful interference in the course of history, and,

C). Above all, that it was a grossly illegal violation of the Prime Directive.

Admiral Hansen said that this was true - so if anybody asks, we're to say that Admiral Kirk did it


STARDATE 42042.3

Lieutenant LaForge's first day as Acting Chief Medical Officer. Oh my God.

Halfway through his first operation, LaForge suffered a violent sneezing fit!! The patient, Lt. Damato, died at 2100 hours. We continue to search his corpse's intestines, but hopes of recovering Lt. LaForge's VISOR are fading by the hour. There are also growing doubts as to the whereabouts of a ratchet spanner, last seen when Lt. LaForge was using it to remove the late Lt Damato's appendix


STARDATE 42042.4

Relieved Lt. LaForge of his duties as Acting CM0, and announced that the post was up for grabs again. Returning to my Ready Room, I found bloody Q waiting for me, wearing a Starfleet Medical uniform, high-heels and a shoulder length red wig. He said that he had heard that there was a job going. I told him to fuck off, and he flashed away in a huff, saying, " I'll be back!¬", and muttering something I didn't quite catch about the Horg..? Or was it the Forg..? Ah well ....Probably nothing serious.

Passing through Sickbay, I discovered Commander Riker and Ensign Crusher together on a bio?bed, both stark naked. Riker explained that they were thinking of applying for the vacant CMO's post, and had been practicing examination techniques on each other. I asked Riker why he had been using his mouth, Weasley explained that it was a radical new technique, devised at Starfleet Medical. I can believe that.

Terrible row in the corridors tonight. Worf trod on LaForge's Guide Tribble and, in the ensuing punch-up, broke Geordi's white stick over his head. Have set course for Honest Bok's VISOR Emporium on Theta II. We can't go on like this. Lt. LaForge was last seen in Engineering - falling down the DiIithium Crystal Chamber.


STARDATE 42072.3

At last! Summoned to Starbase 15 by Admiral Lavell, who informed me via subspace that the services of a fully qualified Medical Officer had become available.

On arrival, I found five other Starship Captains also waiting to see Lavell, and all looking very worried. At 1200 hours we were all ushered into Lavell's office, where the Admiral announced that since we all needed a CMO, but only one Doctor was available, we would have to draw straws for her! Captain Foster of the U.S.S. Reliant immediatly tried to withdraw from the contest, saying that they were managing perfectly well with a Starfleet Laser Scalpel and a copy of "Elementary Surgical Techniques for Beginners¬". He was then forcibly restrained by two security guards and the: Admiral, who told him to pull himself together and "face, it like a man."

I began to have a bad feeling about this.

Anyway, we drew lots and I won!! So at last the Enterprise will have a proper, fully qualified ship's doctor!!. I just wish I knew why all the other Captains looked so relieved. And why Mark Simons of the U.S.S. Obsolete patted me on the back and said ¬"Hard luck, Picard¬" as he was leaving. And why Lester Kubelski of the U.S.S. Intrepid told me I was a brave man!

When they had all gone, Adimiral Lavell saw me out, saying, that our new Doctor would be aboard within 48 hours.

It's odd, you know, but as soon as he'd gone back into his office and the door had closed behind him, I could have sworn that I heard him laughing hysterically. Very perculiar...

Anyway, the new Doctor's personnel file has just arrived. Hmm.. Katherine Pulaski. Never heard of her.

Hang about. It says here that she had a previous appointment, aboard the U.S.S. Excaliber.. That's Dan Gillespie's ship. Dan Gillespie shot himself last month! In fact so did his First Officer. And his chief engineer. AND the ship's counselor! AND Aloysius, the Ship's Tribble!!!!!