Ritual Roast of Keith Dunn (on his 40th birthday) by Hantsbear

Published: 13th October 2004

Hantsbear is faintly amused by... Keith Dunn.

1985 was a relatively auspicious year. Apart from the fact that it was the year of my first attempt to leave home (conjuring up image of a young, feckless (and very closeted) bear looking sadly over his shoulder with all his worldly possessions in a spotted hankie on a stick...) it was the second time I went to a Leisure Hive convention. Several times, during the weekend, a group of four, well, for the sake of the children let's call them "people", drifted through all connected by a Tom Baker-eque scarf. One of whom I dated for two years. One of whom was responsible for my first pair of sore nipples- and not in a good way. One of whom perfected the ultimate feel-good non-alcoholic beverage involving milk, ice cream, angel delight and tinned peaches amongst other ingredients. And one of whom appeared to be a set of dentures in human form.

Thus was I introduced to Keith Dunn. And I haven't stopped laughing. Albeit ruefully.

I spent 1985-86 as a minion to the Retail Emporium known as The Doctor Who Shop, whilst living undercover as a biology student, and oftimes Mr. Dunn and companions would come into the shop, enliven up an afternoon, spend some money and then drag me off into the heart of London for Pizza and an exploding coke float. It was during one of these afternoons that Mr. Dunn was introduced to a certain late, lamented Midlander who formed the other half of the notorious Whovian Brothers - a cabaret act so hideously twisted, even Matt Irvine didn't dare steal their jokes.

Somehow, after flunking college and discovering the wonderful world of work (sic), I seemed to find myself ending up in Crawley with Mr. Dunn's eventual wife, Karen, and a large khaki clad object referred to as Mitch, who had a novel way of cooking Turkey giblets...! Notable events of this period include the Paintball game after the Great Storm of '87, during which (and after jumping over many tree stumps and rolling around in mud) Karen casually announces that she's pregnant... The visits to Crawley continued as the Dunns produced two offspring (but that means they must have... eeeeeewwwww!!!)

As life goes on, and I moved out of the parental home for the second time (to begin my tour of the Home Counties), the Dunn entourage took root in Northgate. And many were the parties where the drinks were spiked with dry ice, purely for effect, m'dears. On one occasion, so was the stagnant pond in the back garden, which I believe stank the neighbourhood out for a few days...

Only Keith could try and commit Hara-Kiri by sticking his heard in a microwave oven. Only Keith could be intimidated by a koala clutching a phaser. And only Keith could use a root vegetable as a Weapon of Doom.

Yes, 1985 was quite an auspicious year...