The Cre'at Club

The Fanboy's Guide To Mornington Crescent (Doctor Who Edition)

By the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

(Not to be read in a Peter Jones-y sort of voice, more a Humphrey Littleton-y sort of voice)

The Game of Mornington Crescent has a long and distinguished history. However, with the opening up of Mr. Van Statten's Internet to the common public, the amount of variations of The Game has increased to ludicrous proportions, the most bizarre being the Japanese webcam version in which players must sit in a bath of beans/mud/worms (whichever is the most popular with viewers at the time) whilst making their moves. At the end of each round, the player furthest away from Mornington Crescent is ritually humiliated by his family and then sent onto the streets, still covered in beans/mud/ worm excrement. Naturally, such humiliations do not exist in the Doctor Who version of The Game. That is unless you really don't know how to say 'Raxacoracofalapatorius'.

Or, indeed, spell it.

If you're reading this you must have an interest in said version of The Game. This page will therefore give you some moves to play which should, if played correctly and following the advice given word for word, win you the round. Always remember to capitalise on each victory. General Sittingbourne, the famous Doctor Who version player was well known for winning a round, or a game, and ordering his men to track down his opponents, no matter where in the world they be. travelling to that location, knocking on the opponent's door and delivering a card with 'You SUXXOR! - lots of love, General Albert Sittingbourne, DSO, DC. His activities were only stopped when a Ministry of Defence internal audit noticed the large amount of global travel passes being used by the General's regiment. It was considered a terrible waste of money because a) it was considered frivolous to spend the money on The Game and b) Why wasn't the money being diverted to use to kill civilians in Iraq?

So there now follows some basic and intermediate moves, all of which have been played by members of this very webzine/website/very odd place indeed.

One word of warning. NEVER play Skaro City central as, for some odd reason, all trains that go there terminate and The Game will be forced to a premature end...


Previous move: Inside the Miniscope followed by THE Sewers...

Time to employ a little known and little used tactic; The Evans/Arnold Shunt and play Goodge Street...

Any quibbles, I refer you to the classic game in '73, televised on Pebble Mill when A.H. Delany-Hesquith used that move against the then World Champion, Zbrignew Ivonavitch, and won the game straight after - Which face facts, was a tremendous humiliation for the Soviet player as Delany-Hesquith was only 9 years old at the time...Audiences to Ivonavitch's exhibition matches started to fall after that and those who did attend became very rowdy indeed. The tour was cancelled by Soviet authorities after Ivonavitch broke down during an exhibition match in Walsaw. Commentators observed that the USSR's excuse of 'The Grimley Curse' wouldn't wash and managed to force a ruling with the World MC Council to get Mr Ivonavitch drugs tested.

Miss Ivonavitch was found guilty of using illegal performance enhancing snuff and barred from the game for 5 years. And the Cold War grew ever colder...

A.H. Delany-Hesquith never took up The Game professionally and instead became a research scientist investigating the effect of anti radiation gloves on the memory.

after several moves by other players, we pop back to the first move after our own where we find a big mistake has been made...


Previous move: Big yellow van (parting of the ways)

fascinating moves though all those may be, they are, alas, based on a faulty first premise:
'but I'll take us from there, using the bilateral shunt and burning a mauve token to the hold of Concorde in E-Space'
The Evans/Arnold Shunt is an acceptable move under the Geneva protocols that were drawn up after the 'London Event'.
However, a bilateral shunt uses Warp Shunt technology and as we all know, that's a no no on a planet like Earth..or, indeed, Earth.
However, I'm willing to go with the flow, reverse it's polarity, add some mercury and a little static electricity to use the 'Whitaker Standards' move and play...


Please note: This player will not be considered responsible for anyone loosing conciousness whilst listening to any singing from said planet. This player will also not be responsible for any other player failing to see the bleedin' obvious, right in front of their noses and taking nearly two episodes to work out their next move.


Previous move: Rome

Hmm..too easy, if you ask me - it's as though you just fell straight into that move and hence into my cunning trap*.
Allowing for Clavdivian's First Exchange, I'll say 'Fie!' unto you in a Jacob(i)ean manner and play a nice, cream tea shop full of Windsor and warn you that all things shall be mine....oh, they surely will....

* (please insert 'ahahahahahaha' here. Thank you)


Previous move: the bottom of the motorway on New Earth.

oh, a nice step into the future of drug dependency and it's consequences there...I take my hat off to you, see your grubby motorway and raise you a Water Guard by playing Eden. Please note that due to certain regulations, this move may only be performed by players with a certified knowledge of Wetherfield, its inhabitants, customs and Customs Officials...Failure to comply can risk a good frying by several thousand volts and the chance of being turned into freeze-dried coffee as happened to Jackson Smithfield in the 1982 regional semi-final (Amateur Divisions) of the Hamlet Championships. Naturally, these days such a thing wouldn't be allowed due to the sheer lunacy of the danger involved hence the ban on Tobacco advertising in The Game since 1999, and the Championship eventually being sponsored by Smirnoff.

after someone replying to the wrong post leaving the way open for a fellow Crapaud to play Tigella...
Now that the geographical housekeeping is out of the way, lets see if we can move this game along from the Chronic Hysteresis it appears to have entered
Now that the geographical housekeeping is out of the way, lets see if we can move this game along from the Chronic Hysteresis it appears to have entered
Now that the geographical housekeeping is out of the way, lets see if we can move this game along from the Chronic Hysteresis it appears to have entered
Now that the geographical housekeeping is out of the way, Now that the geographical housekeeping is out of the way, lets see if we can move this game along from the Chronic Hysteresis it appears to have entered
ah, that's, where was I? Oh yes..
invoking the Series Eighteen Amendments and causing change and decay means, and it pains me to admit this, that I have very little choice...where decay is concerned one needs to go no further then Tombstone

Do feel free to join in at the back, a one two three four.....


Previous move: Pictos, moon of Vortis (by someone with Pertwee's head as their avatar) - the player was called 'Tomalak'.

Hmm, I note the Head of Pertwee is assisting you.....interesting...However...Pictos????

Dear me, how vulgar...
You'll note that the diagonals, diametrics and alternate dimensions have now been reopened after a quick paint job - very nice they look, too, tbh...
Pictos is one of those moves that has a tendency to reset the board if played at the wrong time and yup, you guessed it, this was the wrong time, lol..
So, anything is now up for grabs, thanks to our Friendly Neighbourhood Romulan Commander (tm).
As a lesson to any newer players of The Game, you'll please note that one has to be extremely careful in such a situation....Even though Tomalak has played a move that opens the board wide and for the taking, that doesn't mean one can just waltz straight in and play any move one desires. Indeed, in the 1736 game of Mornington Crescent, Mad Jack Millington played Pictos (an impressive achievement coming as it did 230 or so years before the moon was actually invented) and his opponent, one Cedric Cecil Fotherington-Blaythe the Third immediately jumped to Kings Meads Fields, invoking the Gentleman's rule of thumb.
Mad Jack challenged this, and quite rightly, leading to the duel the following morning in which Fotherington-Blaythe was shot in the foot - and by his own second, no less! It seems that the second had been observing the game and was so disgusted by the sheer stupidity of Fotherington-Blaythe's move that he decided to save Mad Jack the trouble.
So, one must always tread carefully. I'll play a variation on the alternate dimensional theorem...

The Gore Crow Inn


Previous move: The Ood Hive

I feel it only right that now I should start to play with serious intent and show you lot just what someone who's been playing the game for years can do....however, there's no one of that ilk here so your just gonna have to put up with me instead....

Time to get out your paint sprays, boys, girls and hermaphrodite hexapods...



More advice and assistance will be obtainable shortly...