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Excerpts from the Staggering Stories Blog:


Staggering Stories Commentary #228: Doctor Who – Resolution
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 14 Apr 2019 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, driven, in front of 2019’s Doctor Who episode ‘Resolution’, and spout our usual nonsense! Aaron knows how to stall the plot, Lin is being taken for a ride and the Doctor has some serious skids. But enough of their problems, please sit down with […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #312: Wigs and the Rani
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 07 Apr 2019 08:15

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins, Fake Keith, Jean Riddler, the Real Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review the Sylvester McCoy’s debut Doctor Who story Time and the Rani, discuss the Sounds of Thunder audio Annual 2019, celebrate Fake Keith’s birthday, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #227: Doctor Who – Dimensions in Time
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 31 Mar 2019 13:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, baffled, in front of 1993’s Doctor Who 30th anniversary story ‘Dimensions in Time’, and spout our usual nonsense! The Doctor is randomly swapping bodies, companions are coming and going and the Rani wants to visit the set of EastEnders. But enough of their problems, […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #311: An Earthly Marvel
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 24 Mar 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn review the Big Finish Doctor Who stories An Earthly Child and Relative Dimensions, discuss the 2019 Captain Marvel film, talk about media we’ve been consuming, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 00:44 — Welcome! 01:35 […]


Staggering Stories Commentary #226: Doctor Who – The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 17 Mar 2019 08:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Andy Simpkins and Keith Dunn sit down, forgetting, in front of the 2018 Doctor Who episode ‘The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos’, and spout our usual nonsense! Paktraki’s memory is entirely plot driven, Graham is out for revenge and Lady Jane from Lovejoy lost her critical thinking millennia ago. But enough […]


Staggering Stories Podcast #310: Regressive Tendencies
by Staggering Stories Podcast
Sun, 10 Mar 2019 09:00

Summary: Adam J Purcell, Jean Riddler, Keith Dunn and Steven Clare review The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part, take two Classic Doctor Who stories and rewrite them for the modern series, find some general news, and a variety of other stuff, specifically: 00:00 – Intro and theme tune. 01:11 — Welcome! 02:03 – News: […]

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Doctor Who Logo

Let's Do It

By Leslie McMurtry


All year, my friend Katie has been raving about Victoria Wood and Acorn Antiques. She finally lent me some Victoria Wood CDs after we watched an episode of dinnerladies on UKTV Gold. While I found most of it quite hysterical, one song stood out. So I decided to do what all good parody-writers do, and steal from the best.

By the way, I could have written it for Martha, which probably would have made more sense, but there was so much more comic potential with Jack. I should necessarily say that though this is all in good fun like the original, more to be comically shocking than to be taken seriously, the more squeamish readers might want to look away...

The Doctor and Jack sat one night.
The TARDIS was blue. Jack's teeth were white.
The Doctor was clueless, Jack a bit crass.
Then Jack drained his martini glass.

He licked his lips. He combed his roots.
Adjusted his braces and his combat boots.
The Doctor cringed in fear and dread
As Jack grabbed his tie and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Your refusal's conjectural--
I'm disarming,
I'm charming,
And I'm omnisexual.

I'm smitten.
I'm written
So that I'm appealing to the whole of Britain.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
The Doctor cannot be having sex.
This fashion
For passion
Makes the viewers nervous wrecks.

No hanky,
No panky
In the TARDIS or they'll get cranky.
I can't do it,
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Do it 'til we're made of slush.
It's dead sure
It's pleasure--
Doing things that make them blush.

I'm betting
Some petting
And you'll show me all the sonic screwdriver's settings.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't let this face lead you astray.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
I can't stand anything risque.

Colossal--
Imposs'ble--
I'd rather read the manual on the TARDIS console.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So Jack said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
I wanna be in your embrace.
We'll cuddle,
We'll muddle--
I want your hearts to race.

Like the masses,
I make passes--
C'mon Doctor, let me steam up your glasses.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Don't you see, it makes no sense.
Don't ogle,
Don't fondle.
I'm already way too tense.

Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
I already kissed you on a prev'ous outing.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Take me now, show me how in your bed.
Enchanting--
I'm panting--
Could we do it 'fore I'm dead?

This is drastic--
Don't be spastic--
I'm dying to hear you shout, oh, Jack, *fantastic*!!!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Now I'm not feeling well.
Not kidding--
I'm sitting
Down to rest for a spell.

You bloomin'--
You human--
You'd shag anything long as it were movin'!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it.
Our time together is so brief.
I can't wait,
I can't sate--
I've really got to get relief.

Libido . . .
You in a Speedo . . .!
That would be hotter than a spicy Dorito!
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I refuse 'cause you're not Rose.
I miss her,
Wish I'd kissed her.
Upon us you can't impose.

I'm flagging,
I'm sagging--
If I were Troughton you would not try shagging!
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I want to give you all I've got.
I'm burning,
I'm yearning--
The console room is getting hot.

I want to!
And pronto!
I'll bring Gwen, Toshiko, Owen and Ianto.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
It's doleful,
Not soulful.
Let's get back to reality.

No dramas!
Give me my pajamas.
I'm going to shack up with the Dalai Lama.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Doctor, I am begging, please.
I'm shaking,
Heart breaking--
You've got me down on my knees.

Endeavour,
Be clever--
I'll get out the whips and you put on the leather.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
I really want to get 'er done.
I'm droning,
I'm moaning--
Just a little quickie one.

Don't be dumb,
Let's have fun,
I'll grab Martha and make it a threesome.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!