The Cre'at Club

Being Evil: Kendra the Gelth

by Benjamin F. Elliott

(Interior, Living Room, Couch – Auditions for the Third Room-Mate)

Kendra Gelth: ‘I feel I would bring something that your flat really lacks – I can move through walls.’

Joe Dalek: ‘I’m listening. Tell us more.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘The Gelth species lost their corporeal bodies in the Time War. We exist in a Gaseous state. We are light enough that we can move through almost all substances. No Gelth has had to walk in Centuries. Right now I’m blue – but when I’m angry, I turn Red! And I can go invisible to be stealthy and avoid alarming the populace.’

Phil Cyberman: ‘What are your long-term goals?’

Kendra Gelth: ‘Well, we can also use dead bodies to provide a physical form. So first I need to kill a human and occupy the person. Then I need to build a space bridge so my brothers and sisters can kill more humans and occupy them. Then we infiltrate society and get into power, building the space program up so the Gelth Humans can eventually be a space aggressor. Also – I like to scream at random times and scare the neighbours.’

Joe Dalek: ‘You’re in.’

(Around 8PM that evening, same place)

Kendra Gelth: ‘I’ve finished unpacking. It is surprisingly hard to move lots of non-corporeal items from one dimensional plane to another. I also befriended some gullible ghosts a few streets away who I can use as minions – they think I am dead too. How cute! So, did you two have a productive evening?’

Phil Cyberman: ‘Not exactly. I invited all the neighbours to come over for a meet and greet and be driven to terror party. But none of them are coming – Joe exterminated the lot!’

Joe Dalek: ‘I need to keep my extermination skills in shape! You’re just upset because you were going to convert them all into Cybermen to build your Cyber-army. Where were you even going to get the parts?’

Phil Cyberman: ‘I bought this abandoned car factory on the edge of town and was going to use raw Earth materials. I was even going to let Kendra have first pick of the humans for her flesh body. Too late now, selfish Joe!’

Joe Dalek: ‘You didn’t need the neighbours, Phil. I got us jobs at the local hospital. We clean up after the sick and the dying. We will have plenty of candidates to convert to Cybermen or Daleks there, with ones for Kendra as well. No one would suspect The Walking Dead, would they?’

Phil Cyberman: ‘Anyway, now we’re going to watch the new episode of “The Secret Log of Jean-Luc Picard” on Channel 4. It’s a new year. Beverly Crusher is back on the Enterprise. Picard is finally happy. Wesley is conflicted over calling the captain “Daddy”. Dr. Pulaski is so eager to get control of Picard back that she’s selling out the location of our solar system to the Borg Empire. And Worf discovers he is allergic to sugar when eating a Scone. Should be an action packed hour.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘So all of today’s hot action occurred off screen, and you two are going to veg out watching television?’

Joe Dalek: ‘This is a British production. What do you expect? We don’t have the budget to provide major action in most episodes. So we talk and hang around existing sets – generally our home - until late in the next to last episode of the series. Then something big happens outside. The money gets spent on the final episode with major set pieces and perhaps a bit of sunlight if we are lucky. If we make it 3 or 4 series’ long, maybe there will be enough money for the first episode to be big budget as well. But for most episodes, we have to cover the budget by discussing the day’s events very dramatically and emotively. Maybe we destroy the furniture in here a few times.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘I was expecting Being Evil to be exciting, rather than just talking.’

Phil Cyberman: ‘In that case, you might want to go to the set of Being Evil – US, and try out as the room-mate on that show. It’s a cable show, but American money, so they can do exciting visual sequences in more episodes. The first few episodes will be blatant ripoffs of our scripts. Then they will branch out into original material. The TV seasons are longer and the pay is greater. Most US remakes die quickly, so the risk is a bit higher than our UK show. Look for the apartment across town filled with Canadian monsters pretending to be American monsters.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘That sounds pretty lousy as well. I want good dialogue and action and people not faking their accents. Is that too much to ask?’

Joe Dalek: ‘Well, maybe there will be an Australian remake in the future. They tend not to fake anything and keep all concepts in balance. In return – most of their shows never sell overseas. Strange, that.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘I’ll give you guys a couple of days to see if we can find a happy medium. Does anyone want a hot cup of tea?’

Phil Cyberman: ‘I am always desirous of good, strong tea.’

Kendra Gelth: ‘Very well. I’ll put the kettle on the stove.’

Joe Dalek: ‘WAIT! Stop what you are doing! That is a GAS STOVE!’

Kendra Gelth: ‘I couldn’t hear you over the sound of the gas igniting. Gas igniting?’


Phil Cyberman: ‘Oh my! The gas from the stove killed Kendra!’

Joe Dalek: ‘You Bastard!’

Phil Cyberman: ‘Why me?’

Joe Dalek: ‘I told you an electric stove would be safer. But no – cooking food well was more important for you than whether we could avoid losing our third kitchen in two months! How do we explain this to our furry red landlord? And where do we find another room-mate?’

Phil Cyberman: ‘We blame the neighbours. They played with fire in our kitchen and they perished. So you get off the hook for killing the neighbours and I get off the hook for the kitchen, and we can put up the “Room For Rent” sign again.’

Joe Dalek: ‘Logic. That is why I like you as a comrade in Being Evil. Now, if we get the bodies arranged in time we can see the time-shifted repeat of “The Secret Log Of Jean-Luc Picard” on Channel 4 + 1 in a few minutes.’

Created by Benjamin F Elliott
Being Evil is a parody of Being Human, for humourous intents only.
Copyright 2011

Joe Dalek
Phil Cyberman

Special Guest Room-mate This Episode – Kendra Gelth

Interactive – who should the red furry landlord be? There’s an obvious candidate, but is Elmo the funniest choice?

A One Man From Manassas production in association with Staggering Stories